Many of you know, and I’ve been honest through my blog, that three years ago now I suffered a ruptured ectopic pregnancy that nearly killed me. After a six hour life saving surgery I was left with one ovary and since then have suffered terribly with horrendous periods that mean I pretty much am useless for 4 – 5 days and cannot function. That coupled with the bloating that makes me look 7 months pregnant, the horrendous debilitating hormonal changes to the point where I can’t get through a day without crying every 10 minutes, the brain fog and extreme depression made me realise that something was amiss.
A trip to my local hospital and some uncomfortable scans later I was diagnosed with PCOS syndrome on my remaining ovary. So now not only was I the mother that couldn’t carry a child, I was now a woman with a useless remaining ovary that may as well have been taken away during the original surgery (in actual fact they wanted to but as I’d been under anaesthetic for too long they couldn’t make that call). Kids are a no no for me and this is the hardest part to deal with at 35. To have had the option of more children there and snatched from me and no chance of it changing has been the hardest thing to deal with.
My periods since this have been hell on earth. I cannot even begin to put into words how in the week before I simply cannot function. The fog that descends on me is thicker than an old London pea souper. I have no desire, drive, wish to do anything. I either eat nothing or binge to extremes. I don’t sleep, can’t sleep. My anger is off the scale – trying to reign this in with a 4 year old is hard, really hard. Most days I am at breaking point. I am anxious, irritable and cannot concentrate. There are months where I’ve questioned myself, my ability as a mother and whether I want to be here.
This is not your normal PMS this is so much more and finally today after a long chat with my GP it looks like I have a potential diagnosis. It looks as if I am suffering from PMDD which is premenstrual dysphoric disorder. An extreme and severe form of PMS. Having gone through the checklist of symptoms with my GP I pretty much tick every box and then some.
I have to ring them tomorrow to try to get a physical appointment and discuss options but I don’t want medication. I’ve been on medication for my PCOS for about 15 months and it’s stopped working completely and if there is a better option I want to hear about it. Right now though I feel better knowing that there actually ‘is’ something wrong with me rather than it being in my head or me being a failure as that’s what I was beginning to envisage.
Where I go next, I am not sure but I’d be lost without my blog as an outlet to track this next part of my journey of motherhood.