Funny how as a kid you seem to constantly utter the words “it’s not my fault” when you’re in trouble and get things wrong. My dad used to joke it would be written on my tombstone when I die I was always saying it. Well now age 35 and as the end of 2013 arrives tomorrow I have to hold my hands up say this, loud and clear “it’s my fault”.
It’s my fault that as 2013 closes my daughter will be spending it as one of the many children of single parent families.
It’s my fault that there is now no-one to carry her when she is tired and her legs have had enough after a day out. That was always Daddy’s job.
It’s my fault that there is now no-one to catch the spiders we both hate so much. I shall have to be a NEXT Directory customer just so I can throw the book at spiders as they can’t survive 700+ pages of fashion.
In general, now there’s only me and Roo. Daddy is still a part of her life but it’s a different life to ours and they’ll now create memories and jokes and moments that I am not part of.
It’s dawned on me the last 24 hours just how different and difficult this will be Now it’s just the two of us. It’s also the stark realisation I’ve let my daughter down. I’ve robbed her of a father in her life 24/7 and I’m the one that is breaking her heart with changes like a new house and a new school. I’ve taken away her friends. Disrupted her life and forced her to make a lot of changes.
In the last 24 hours I’ve cried…a lot. More than in a long time and this is the most personal post I’ve written in a while.
Why? Because my online friends have always been my virtual wall of strength and I know there are others like me going through this right now.
I’ve cried too because of silly things. Stuff like cooking for one, missing someone to hug at night (hugs mean the world to me). I’ve cried for the love I may or may not ever have because at 35, with a child let’s face it dating becomes ‘difficult’ and it’s scary out there.
I’ve cried because even though I had to make the decision I made back in September it’s the hardest decision I have ever and probably will ever make, and I right now I feel like I’ve totally and royally fucked up the lives of several people I never wished or wanted to hurt.
I’ve now got to go out and get a ‘proper’ job – which I’ve done. I have a house to sell, a new house to find, the next step will be to rent for a few months whilst the house sells just so that Roo and I can cement the whole ‘it’s just us’ thing a little more. It’s now up to me to support ‘us’ as a single parent family and that means even on the days when I am crumbling inside that I have to be strong for Roo.
Tomorrow I will be spending New Year’s Eve in California – with my brother and his wife and Roo. In 24 days time I will officially be divorced, I will have started a new job and Roo will be 24 days in to her new school right now that’s the only three things I am certain of.
Where do I, do we go from here? Your guess is as good as mine….right now though this quote seems pretty accurate.