Lotties Loves

Blame Me. It’s All My Fault…

becoming a single mumFunny how as a kid you seem to constantly utter the words “it’s not my fault” when you’re in trouble and get things wrong. My dad used to joke it would be written on my tombstone when I die I was always saying it. Well now age 35 and as the end of 2013 arrives tomorrow I have to hold my hands up say this, loud and clear “it’s my fault”.

It’s my fault that as 2013 closes my daughter will be spending it as one of the many children of single parent families.

It’s my fault that there is now no-one to carry her when she is tired and her legs have had enough after a day out. That was always Daddy’s job.

It’s my fault that there is now no-one to catch the spiders we both hate so much.  I shall have to be a NEXT Directory customer just so I can throw the book at spiders as they can’t survive 700+ pages of fashion.

In general, now there’s only me and Roo. Daddy is still a part of her life but it’s a different life to ours and they’ll now create memories and jokes and moments that I am not part of.

It’s dawned on me the last 24 hours just how different and difficult this will be Now it’s just the two of us.  It’s also the stark realisation I’ve let my daughter down. I’ve robbed her of a father in her life 24/7 and I’m the one that is breaking her heart with changes like a new house and a new school.  I’ve taken away her friends. Disrupted her life and forced her to make a lot of changes.

In the last 24 hours I’ve cried…a lot. More than in a long time and this is the most personal post I’ve written in a while.

Why? Because my online friends have always been my virtual wall of strength and I know there are others like me going through this right now.

I’ve cried too because of silly things. Stuff like cooking for one, missing someone to hug at night (hugs mean the world to me).  I’ve cried for the love I may or may not ever have because at 35, with a child let’s face it dating becomes ‘difficult’ and it’s scary out there.

I’ve cried because even though I had to make the decision I made back in September it’s the hardest decision I have ever and probably will ever make, and I right now I feel like I’ve totally and royally fucked up the lives of several people I never wished or wanted to hurt.

I’ve now got to go out and get a ‘proper’ job – which I’ve done.  I have a house to sell, a new house to find, the next step will be to rent for a few months whilst the house sells just so that Roo and I can cement the whole ‘it’s just us’ thing a little more.  It’s now up to me to support ‘us’ as a single parent family and that means even on the days when I am crumbling inside that I have to be strong for Roo.

Tomorrow I will be spending New Year’s Eve in California – with my brother and his wife and Roo.  In 24 days time I will officially be divorced, I will have started a new job and Roo will be 24 days in to her new school right now that’s the only three things I am certain of.

Where do I, do we go from here?  Your guess is as good as mine….right now though this quote seems pretty accurate.

I am a single parent

9 thoughts on “Blame Me. It’s All My Fault…

  1. Oh lovely – sending you cyber hugs!
    You have made the right decision for you and Roo – you’ve not been happy for along time and kids need happy parents and if that means you not being together then so be it!
    Single parenting is hard work but you cope because you have to. You have an amazing support network around you just make sure you ask for help if you need to!
    As for spiders – I found that a vacuum cleaner does a amazing job lol
    Kara recently posted..Silent Sunday – 29th December 2013My Profile

  2. It’s not your fault lovely. There are 2 people in a marriage and if things are not working then it’s down to two people not just one. You happen to be the brave one who faced it head on and decided to take a different path to make you and Roo a happier life.
    Her time with you and her dad will be spent differently to how it was before but it will still be fills with care and love.
    Hope you are enjoying America, things can only improve, the hardest day was stepping away, now you can only improve

  3. I see marriage and parenting as two separate things. A family unit does not have to conform to a married couple and a child. Goal for 2014: do your bit in ensuring that the parenting of Roo is as harmonious as possible. It takes time and isn’t easy if one parent holds a grudge on the divorce, but after 9 years of divorce I can clearly see that my son has benefited hugely from two divorced parents that work together to parent him.

    sending you strength xxx

  4. Thank you so much for writing this, I’m so sorry you’re going through these emotions right now but I had to make the exact same decision for my and my boys back in Sept too and you know what? Whilst all the guilt and angst hangs around I feel like I’m starting to envisage the life that the 3 of us will live together now and its starting to look more positive. I genuinely believe that better things are coming and I hope they are for you too 🙂
    Liana recently posted..Looking back, looking forwardMy Profile

    1. Thank you Liana – it was one of those posts that just sprung out of emotions and I know there are other bloggers right now going through the same turbulent emotions so hope they too see your reply as it made me smile.

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